The Aubergine Of Despair
by Seraphie17
Summary: A parody/sarcastic/horror/romance fanfic. Twists "real" life and Twilight together with a series of interesting and hilarious events. Based in a fictional town called Spatula. Includes all the Cullen/Hales, Idiocy, Sarcasm, Lemons and LEON! OOC/AU
1. Intro

**"The Aubergine Of Despair"**

**A Parody/Sarcastic/Horror/Romance Twilight Fanfic.**

**Basically, it is a fanfic which twists Twilight and real life together.**

**We live in Spatula (personal joke lol) and attend Spazzy Academy.**

**I love Twilight, but writing this seemed like too much fun to miss out on.**

**Do not take anything here seriously.**

**Yes, people die, and some salad may be maimed by Rosalie along the way, but it's all good fun.**

**But where are my manners? Let me introduce you to everyone.**

**Characters:**

**Me - Seraphie: The "evil" one. I'm Alice's best friend. I hate Bella. Human.**

**Edward: The "smexy" one. He's Emmett's best friend. He hates Rosalie and Sarah. Vampire.**

**Bella: The "useless" one. She's Sarah's best friend. She hates Me, Mike and Eric. Human.**

**Alice: The "psychic" one. She's my best friend. She hates Sarah. Vampire.**

**Jasper: The "emo" one (lol). He's Laura's best friend. He hates Sarah. Vampire.**

**Emmett: The "macho" one. He's Edward's best friend. He hates Sarah. Vampire.**

**Rosalie: The "shallow" one. She's Sam's best friend. She hates Sarah and Edward. Vampire.**

**Sarah: The "spazzy" one. She's Bella's best friend. She hates all of the Cullen/Hales and Laura. Werewolf.**

**Sam: The "smart" one. He's Rosalie's best friend. He hates no one. Human.**

**Laura: The "sort-of-not-so-spazzy" one. She's Jasper's best friend. She hates Sarah. Human.**

**Mike: The "blond" one. He is Eric's best friend and so much more. He hates Bella. Human.**

**Eric: The "not-so-blond" one. He is Mike's best friend and so much more. He hates Bella. Human.**

**Leon: Will be randomly appearing at inappropriate points throughout with his equally inappropriate yet witty remarks ie: "Bella totally says moo!" His friends are unknown, I don't think he has any lol. He hates Me, but it's all good. I could make him the hero of the story and then he'd love me, but its never going to happen. Also, whenever Leon is about to make an appearance he will shout something inappropriate just for fun, remember every word that he shouts okay?**

**There will also be a few of the other characters from Twilight that also make random appearances but they aren't major characters in this**

**Couples:**

**EdwardxBella**

**JasperxAlice**

**EmmettxRosalie**

**SamxSarah**

**MikexEric**

**OH YEAH!**

**Must Haves: (chosen by Laura lol)**

**MR CRAIG (the most perverted teacher ever! lol)**

**Guitar Hero**

**A Lamp**

**Racing**

**Strawberry Sauce**

**Ice Cream**

**RAVE!**

**Rubber Ducks**

**Bricks**

**Windows**

**Fights**

**A Trampoline**

**Water Balloons**

**My Chemical Romance**

**Shopping**

**Hair Dye**

**The Volturi**

**Ham Sandwiches**

**Tree Climbing**

**English/Biology Projects**

**A Hedge Maze**

**Various Throwable Items**

**Truth Or Dare**

**Bowls Of Salad**

**Monkey References**

**Lemons ;)**

**So expect all of these to appear once or twice throughout! (The lemons may appear more than that, it depends on what mood I'm in lol)**

**I don't think there is anything else to say apart from the fact that I may obtain magical powers and a unicorn somewhere and then chaos will commence.**

**YEY!**

**And for those people who don't know what an aubergine is it is a deep purple somewhere-between-a-gourd-and-an-egg-shaped fruit eaten as a vegetable.**

**Anyways, I'd love it if you reviewed and told me what you think of this.**

**:D**

**X Seraphie X**


	2. Welcome to Spazzy Academy

~*The Aubergine Of Despair*~

~Chapter One~

*Welcome to Spazzy Academy*

*Where the Sparkly-Pink Trainers are Murdered*

"Oi! You lot! Stop dancing and get off the court!" A nasal voice screeched.

We continued to dance.

"I said move! Me and the other cheerleaders need the court to practice!"

I turned towards Lauren and stuck my middle fingers up at her. Laura, Eric and Mike all stopped dancing and laughed at Lauren's expression. She wasn't used to being thwarted in her little bimbo plans of hers.

And yes, Lauren Mallory, self-appointed "It-Girl" of Spazzy Academy, she thought she was ah-mazing just because the idiots in the school worshipped her and her inflatable boobs.

I swear that girl shoves a bicycle pump into those every morning.

Now, let me explain about Mike and Eric. They aren't the greatest guys ever but they are both blond enough to go along with mine and Laura's schemes so we keep them around. It's hilarious, trust me.

They are also two of the tiny group of guys who don't suck up to Lauren.

Because they are gay... together.

Me and Laura keep them from all the other guys here who want to beat them up... actually, Laura couldn't hurt a fly.

I keep them from all the other guys who want to beat them up.

So here we all were; Me, Laura and the gays laughing and dancing on the court, Lauren and her "posse" fuming at the sidelines, the rest of the class minding their own business, when the door opened.

The door opened.

Oh my God, the door opened.

Who cares? Right?

Wrong.

The door opening changed our lives forever.

And I mean forever.

Because through this open door walked the five most amazing people ever.

But I use the term "people" loosely.

I knew them all before they had even introduced themselves, and by the look of pure amazement on Laura's face she knew who they were too.

Standing before us were Edward, Emmett and Alice Cullen and Rosalie and Jasper Hale.

I couldn't believe it.

I would have danced with pure joy until I saw the thing that Edward had on his arm...

Bella...

Ewwwwwwwwww...

Wait... oh shit... could Edward hear my thoughts?

'I'm sorry Edward!' I screamed in my head.

He didn't even flinch...

I must have really pissed him off, he didn't even know me and he was ignoring me already.

"Oh my God! HAWT vampires!" Laura semi-whispered, only for me to hear.

Instead, all 5 of the vampires turned round and looked at us.

"I forgot about the whole scary super hearing thing..." Laura muttered slapping her hand against her forehead.

I could see all of them fighting back giggles, much like I was.

Alice skipped over to me and Laura, grinning like that scary chesire cat from "Alice In Wonderland".

Hah, how ironic.

Alice then raised her hand and seemed to be measuring Laura, and then herself.

"Yes!" Alice screamed, "Finally! Someone who isn't taller than me!"

"Hey... that's not funny Alice!" Laura said while pouting.

Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper who had already thought that we were weird gave us even funnier looks. Edward just looked very amused.

"How come you know Alice's name?" Jasper asked, staring at Laura.

"We know all of you." I interrupted, five pairs of curious eyes gazed at me instead of Laura now and I could feel myself going red from the attention, "You're Jasper, Alice, Edward, Rosalie and Emmett."

I pointed all of them out as I said their names.

"What about me?" Said the idiot that was still clinging to Edward.

Ugh...

"You're the Queen of England." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

This was apparent to everyone, except for Bella...

"No! I'm Bella!" She said proudly, reminding me distinctly of a five year old. Her right hand shot out and waved around, I was apparently supposed to shake it and introduce myself.

I wasn't touching that...

"I'm Seraphie." I said, smiling at all of them, my smile may have faltered slightly when I looked over at Bella again, "And this is Laura." I pointed to her in an "I'm-with-stupid" kind of way.

She wasn't amused, however I found it very funny indeed.

"I knew that!" Alice squealed, launching herself at us, "I just know that we are going..."

"To be best of friends!" Me and Laura said together, finishing her sentence for her.

Alice was taken aback for a moment, I guess she hadn't seen the scary almost-psychic moment that me and Laura just had. Edward laughed out loud.

Man, that was an even more beautiful sound than ever described.

"Seraphie? Seraphie!" Laura was waving her hands in front of my face manically, trying to bring me out of my Edward-filled reverie.

"Eh?" I answered oh-so-smoothly.

"You were day dreaming dumbass!" Laura laughed.

At that point Sam started to run over to our group.

"Hey Stinky! You playing basketball with us? Even though you're violent, you're pretty good!" He called.

I turned towards the Cullen's, most of whom were looking at Sam as though he was crazy...

"He means me. It's a joke. That's Sam, he's one of our good friends isn't he Laura?" I said suggestively, raising my eyebrows at her and smirking.

Laura blushed an amazing tomato-red.

Edward and Jasper turned to each other at the same time, eyebrows raised, then looked towards Alice. She nodded and their surprised expressions faded into smirks much like my own.

"Naw Smelly. I'm talking to people. And I should probably give the others a break from my super skills." I laughed as Sam joined our little circle that mainly consisted of vampires...

"Aww, what is that smell?" Emmett boomed while his nose wrinkled in disgust, I couldn't help laughing. Rosalie smacked him across the back of the head and I was sure she muttered something about trying to be polite for once.

One of them was bound to smell Sarah all over Sam, clingy thing that she was...

"Yeah, that's Sam, he just smells funny don't you?" I said condescendingly.

"Totally..." He said, agreeing with a smile.

I could see Laura about to go into overload and probably faint in a minute from Sam being so close to her, so I had to save her from humiliating herself... just this once.

"Looks like your team need you again Sammy, better go join them. And if you don't fall over within the next ten minutes, I'm coming to push you!" I laughed and shoved him in the general direction of the court.

Laura had a glazed look on her face as she watched him run back to the court.

"Laura? Laura!" I shouted at her, mimicking the arm-flailing she did earlier.

"Wha?" She couldn't even get a whole word out.

"You were day dreaming dumbass!" I mocked.

She just glared at me and I laughed.

I turned back to the Cullens.

"By the way guys, his girlfriend," I said, pointing in Sam's direction over my shoulder, "Is a werewolf. That's what you could smell, she practically drapes herself over him at every opportunity." I rolled my eyes.

"That's such a shame considering that little Laura here may just have a crush on Sammy." Edward laughed, his topaz eyes twinkling with amusement.

Just then our little gathering was interrupted again.

By something a hell of a lot worse than Sam and his icky werewolf smell.

"EDWARD!"

Oh hell no... how could he have recognized him from that far away?

Something then slammed into Edward, making him stumble slightly, but I'm sure that Edward wasn't the one hurt from that.

"Uhh.. hey." Edward said awkwardly, trying to get away from the embrace he was currently forced into without hurting the guy.

Leon could get a bit ahead of himself sometimes...

"Oh my gosh! Edward Cullen! Edward FREAKING Cullen!" Leon squealed, a perfect Alice imitation. I would have laughed if he hadn't turned to glare at me once he had let Edward go.

"Why, for the love of all that is holy, would you NOT tell me that Edward was here?!?" Leon said in my face.

"I didn't need him to get freaked out on his first day, and your face alone is enough to scare anyone." I laughed.

"That's not funny! My face is lovely thank you very much! Don't you agree Alice?" He said, winking at her.

"Of course!" Alice laughed. Jasper shook his head in mock disappointment.

"So, Edward, doing anything tonight?" Leon said, eyeing Edward up even though he had his "girl"friend firmly attached to his arm.

I could see where this was going, and from the uncomfortable look on Edward's face, so could he.

"Okay! Leon, go back to doing whatever you were before now! You can see everyone later!" I said shoving him.

"AWESOME!" He shouted and ran away again, turning back just once to look at Edward.

I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Sorry about him..." I said exasperatedly, "He can be a bit... a bit... eager."

Everyone laughed except for Edward, who was looking over my shoulder worriedly.

Wow, I guess he really doesn't like me, I didn't realise that he would be so protective of Bella.

Actually, looking at him more closely I reckoned he was about to hurl...

"Hey guys!" Two people shouted from behind me.

I didn't have to turn round to see who it was.

Mike and Eric came jogging over, Eric stood next to me and Laura while Mike scooted closer to Edward.

The look in Mike's eye was the same one he had when he looked at all the perverted magazines of his...

Oh hell no...

Edward vomited onto Mike's new sparkly pink trainers and then ran off, but at human speed of course.

"Mike! How dare you make Edward sick with your face! Put it away!" I laughed, trying to diffuse the now very tense situation.

Thank God it worked, everyone started laughing... except for Mike. He was staring down at his vomit-covered, brand-new, used-to-be-sparkly-pink trainers in sheer horror.

It was only a matter of time before he started screaming...

"Oh my gosh! Do you think he's alright? Should I go after him? What do I do? Oh my gosh!" Bella was started to freak herself out fussing over Edward. Geez, clingy or what?

"I'm sure he'll be fine Bella. Stop stressing." Laura said, patting her on the shoulder. Bella flinched away.

"Seriously? You're telling me what to do?" Bella said, her mood changing abruptly from worry to anger.

"No. Why would I?" Laura said, taking a step back from the psycho.

"What? So now I'm not good enough for your advice? You think I'm below you? Well, let me tell you something! I am way above you, I'm so far above you that you can't see me you bitch!" Bella screamed in Laura's face.

Oh too far.

Waaayyy too far.

This bitch was cruisin' for a bruisin'.

"What did you just call her?" I shouted at Bella, stepping in front of Laura.

"A bitch. What's it to you, you whore?" She screamed at me.

"Shut the fuck up! How dare you call me a whore!" Hah, I could scream louder than her.

"Well that's what you are!" She shouted right in my face, shoving my shoulder.

Wrong freaking move.

Without even thinking my arm drew back and then whipped it forward, smashing my fist right into her face. Bella toppled over and lay on the floor, unmoving, still breathing though.

Unfortunately.

I just stood and stared at Bella lying unconscious on the floor.

Then I heard someone clapping.

I turned round and found it was Rosalie. She had the biggest smile on her face.

Beside her Emmett started laughing so hard that he fell on the floor.

Then the rest of the group burst out into clapping or laughing, or both.

I couldn't help laughing along.

"Bella! Bella!" I heard a velvet voice shouting across the hall.

Shit... Edward was back.

He'd probably bury me alive for almost killing his girlfriend.

He ran, at human speed again, to Bella, flinging himself down beside her and checking her over for injuries.

Once he had checked her over he turned and started looking around at his family.

His eyes widened in disbelief as he looked at each one of them.

I could only assume that he was reading their minds.

Edward turned back to Bella, stroking her hair out of her face.

Then, ever so slowly, Edward stood up and turned to face me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**(Cue dramatic music) lol  
Hey guys! First chapter! Tell me what you think!  
And tell me how Edward should react. How would you like Edward to react to me punching Bella in the face? lol  
Byesies!  
X Seraphie X**


	3. Bella Isn't so Special

~*The Aubergine Of Despair*~

~Chapter Two~

*Bella Isn't So Special*

*Role-Reversal, Devious Deals and Pulling Off Poses *

"What the fuck?" Edward shouted at me, his topaz eyes glinting with fury.

No way was I taking this.

"What? You expect me just to stand back and watch that psycho bitch-slap my friends?"

Edward narrowed his eyes and took a step towards me.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" He growled.

"Surely you would know, you're the mind reader." I said, I saw Alice smirk as the words came out of my mouth.

Edward took another step towards me so we were only inches apart, oh geez.  
He was really fucking pretty... awww man...

Then shock flitted across that perfect face of his.

"What? Why? How?" He stuttered, stumbling back a little.

Just then Alice started laughing again and Edward whirled to face her, glaring.

"You saw this? You saw this and you never told me? Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?" Edward was livid.

God he was HAWT when he was mad.

"I thought it would be more fun this way." Alice said grinning.

"More fun? What the hell is wrong with you Alice?"

"Nothing really. Oh apart from being a future-seeing vampire with an unhealthy obsession for shopping and pretty much anything pink." Alice mocked.

"Oh hilarious." Edward said sarcastically and turned back to me. His topaz eyes locked with my green ones and he stepped towards me again. He took my face in his hands and held my gaze, his sweet breath fanning across my face.

"Why? Why can't I read you?" He whispered.

It all clicked.

Edward couldn't hear my thoughts, he couldn't even read them on my face.

"You can't?" I grinned.

"It's not funny..." He said pouting and dropping his hands from my face.

"Oh contraire my dear Edward, I find it very amusing indeed." I laughed and turned to high five Laura who was also laughing.

'Who the hell uses that kind of language nowadays? What a freak.'

I whirled round to face Edward again.

"Sorry Edward, but I think you'll find it's you that is the freak." I replied smoothly.

Edward's mouth just dropped right open.

I didn't understand what was wrong until I heard Edward's voice again.

'She just read my mind. She just read my mind! What the fuck is going on here?' I heard these words, clear as day, inside my head in Edward's voice. I was facing him the whole time, his lips didn't move, no sound came out his mouth.

Holy mother of flying Jebus... Edward was in my head...

I couldn't think, I couldn't even breathe.

I slowly looked up towards Alice and Rosalie and their eyes were wide, both of them looking from me to Edward in shock.

"Uh... eh, Ali...blugh, Rose...eh?" Yeah, that was me, I was THAT confused.

"EH? You... what? Huh... eh." Laura spluttered from behind me.

I heard a gasp from Jasper and he started spouting off words at vampire speed.

I could have sworn he used the words "minds", "barriers", "never before" and possibly "cabbage".

Once Jasper had stopped his general mutterings a deathly silence fell upon our group.

Then Emmett gasped and pointed from me to Edward and back again rapidly.

Trust Emmett to be the last to figure it out in a bunch that included two humans.

Rosalie hit him.

'This is impossible, she can't, she can't. Its coincidence. It has to be. It's coincidence.' Edward's voice rang through my mind once again.

"It's not." I stated bluntly.

'It has to be. We can't be having a conversation where I'm not the one mind-reading.'

"Well we obviously are. How much evidence do you need Edward?"

'Bella's gonna flip, she loved being the only one I couldn't read. Now there's you, but you can read me.'

"I'm sure Bella will get over it." I said while smirking.

"Sure I'll get over what exactly?" Bella interjected. She had come round eventually from me smashing her in the face.

In all honesty I never meant to hit her that hard, I just wanted to teach her a lesson.

I heard an 'Oh shit' cross Edward's mind as Bella approached us and I laughed.

"Edward can't read me. Not even my face. He can't tell anything about my thoughts whatsoever. Yet somehow, I can read your darling Edward. Clear as day." I laughed. I was over the initial shock of it and was now overjoyed, ecstatic even.

"What! NO FAIR! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE SPECIAL ONE!" Bella screamed and flung herself on the floor in tears.

"Oh you are special, just not in a good way." I heard Laura mumble from behind me and I burst out laughing as did Rosalie.

I expected Edward to comment on what Laura said but instead he suddenly turned to stare at Jasper.

"What do you mean you think you know what happened? Tell me damn it!" Edward shouted at him while thinking 'Please, get her out of my head!'

"That's not very nice Edward. You shouldn't talk to Jasper like that. And this is how all your siblings felt at first I bet. I can't control it. You just have to deal with it. It's extremely weird for me as well you know."

"No, I don't know." He said dryly. I laughed.

"Hah, I guess you wouldn't." I said and then stuck my tongue out at him.

"I think that something happened when you tried to connect your mind with Seraphie's. Maybe you pushed against her barriers far too hard and broke your own in the process, or maybe Seraphie's mind didn't like the fact that you tried to intrude it and so to defend itself, it broke your defences before you could break hers." Jasper said calmly. Edward looked ready to kill.

Just then Laura cleared her throat loudly from behind me and I whirled round. She was staring at something across the gym.

"Looks like we have trouble." She laughed and smirked at the band of whores coming our way.

Of course it had only been a matter of time before Lauren Mallory, head cheerleader and number one bicycle of Spazzy Academy, would come and try and dig her claws into the newbies.

"Step away from the new kids losers!" Lauren said while glaring at me and Laura, "They are way too cool to hang out with you freaks!"

Her little group of skank-faced wannabes laughed and snapped their fingers.  
I didn't even bother wasting my breath on her, I just eyed her critically and smirked.  
Laura knew she wasn't worth it either.

"Hey guys! Let me introduce myself!" Lauren said in her disgusting nasal voice. "I'm Lauren. Head cheerleader, amazing student, great person to be around. You're lucky that I'm willing to be your friend." She purred.

I couldn't help it, I laughed. I tried so hard not to, it's better not to interrupt Lauren because she makes even more of a prat of herself if she's allowed to continue, but it was just too funny.

"Something funny lemo?" Oh yeah, I was the 'lame emo' according to her so she shortened it to 'lemo' because she thought she was clever.

I swear I had seen snails with more brainpower than her.

"Your face." I blurted out without thinking. Force of habit I guess.

Tanya piped up. Tanya was Lauren's second in command.

"Her face isn't funny. There are a lot of things funnier than her face."

"Like your mum." I laughed.

"Excuse me?" Tanya looked genuinely confused and Lauren glared at her.

"Anyway!" Lauren practically shouted getting all attention focused back onto her. "Like I said, I'm Lauren. This is Tanya, Jessica and Victoria, my besties and half of my amazing cheerleading squad."

Me and Laura introduced the whores to Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Bella and finally Edward.

"So, Eddie, wanna do something fun tonight?" Lauren said huskily. I guess she meant to sound seductive, but she just sounded ill.

"Eh excuse me? I'm his girlfriend, back off." Bella said, grabbing Edward's arm and glaring at Lauren.

Oh Bella, such a wrong move.

Even though I didn't like Bella I didn't exactly want her to die on her first day at Spazzy Academy for getting between Lauren Mallory and a guy she wanted.

"Well, now he's met me he won't want someone as plain as you will he?" Lauren sneered in her face.

I could see that Bella was hurt by that, and even though Bella wasn't my favourite person in the world I hated Lauren more.

"Shut the fuck up Lauren." Laura sneered.

Just then I thought of a deal that Lauren wouldn't be able to resist, but also wouldn't be able to win and would successfully keep her away from Edward.  
I'm so evil. I love it.

"Lauren I have a deal for you. Dance-off, here and now. You win, you get Edward. We win, you leave all of us alone for the next three months. Okay?" I said loudly.

Bella looked horrified, she actually thought that there was a chance we would lose and she would have to give up Edward.

"Okay. But it's got to be a group dance-off, four versus four. Two songs, one of our choice, one of yours. Audience decides the better group. No breaks, no switches and no violence." She had been up against me playing basketball before. She never did it again.

"Deal. Who are your four and what's your song?" I said calmly. Bella was still freaking out. Alice looked smug. I was betting that Alice had already seen that we were going to win.

'I swear to God if you lose this I will never ever forgive you Seraphie.' Edward's voice said in my head.

And Alice apparently hadn't informed Edward of her revelation. I grinned at Edward. He didn't look convinced.

"I choose myself, Tanya, Jessica and Victoria. Our song will be Disturbia by Rihanna. You?" Ooh, she made a rookie mistake there. It was such an easy song to dance to.

"I choose myself, Laura, Alice and Rosalie. Our song will be Comatose by Skillet." I didn't bother asking Alice and Rose if they would do it, if Alice had already seen that we won then she must have known that she was one of the ones dancing. Also there was no way that any of our opponents had ever listened to the song that I chose, they wouldn't be prepared. We would be. Comatose wasn't dance music, it was rock, so they would be completely thrown. It was their own fault for not specifying that it had to be dance music. This was going to be easy.

Until Laura started to freak out.

"What the hell Seraphie? You actually can't expect me to dance in front of all these people can you? What if I muck it up? What then? We won't win this, we can't. What are we going to do? They are cheerleaders, they'll probably put flips and stuff into their routine. Did you see their last one?"

"Laura. Chill. Seriously. There is no way we are going to lose this. The last one they were prepared for, it was announced three days in advance, songs and everything. This one is going to be won by us. We have practiced, we have an absolutely flawless routine to our own song and we've done enough spazzy dancing to get us through theirs. Plus, we have two stunning vampires on our side who can totally take care of themselves. We will win this. Go to the locker room with Alice and Rose now. I'll be there in a minute."

I walked over to Lauren and her posse.

"Right, we have fifteen minutes before we gather back in here and start the dance-off. You can do whatever you want during those fifteen minutes but you have to be ready and beside the stereo system straight after okay?"

"That's fine. Cya in fifteen minutes loser." Lauren sneered. The other three giggled.

I just rolled my eyes and walked away.

Alice opened the locker room door for me.  
I laughed because she had saw me coming.

"Seraphie, what the hell are we going to do? There is no way that I can dance in front of all those people. I know we have an amazing routine and we can totally include Alice and Rosalie in it, but not in front of our gym class!" Laura whined, starting to panic again.

"Actually, it's going to be more than just your gym class, it kinda looks like the whole of your year or more are coming to see this." Alice said cautiously.

"You can't be serious." Laura said in a monotone, she looked ready to faint.

"Laura, listen to me. This will be the only time that we actually have to dance in front of people, you won't ever have to again, you just need to get through this and humiliate Lauren. Who cares if there are people watching you? Ignore them, focus on not letting Lauren win. She's never won against us before and we aren't going to let her start now. Okay?" I said semi-desperately. We needed Laura to get the confidence to go out there and kick Lauren's ass.

Laura grinned at my mini-speech and nodded enthusiastically. Alice and Rosalie high-fived each other and I sighed dramatically.

Alice then went and opened my locker and threw my bag to me. Thank God I caught it.

"I believe there is something in there that you need." Alice laughed and I grinned at her.

I dumped the contents of my bag onto the floor and handed Laura a black vest, a red one-shoulder top, a red fishnet glove, a pair of red converse, a pair of black ¾ length dance sweats and a black beanie hat.

"What's all that?" Rosalie asked me. I laughed.

"These are mine and Laura's hip hop dance outfits. I had a feeling we might need them today. Mine is nearly the same as Laura's. Just that the style of the top is a little different and everything that is red in her outfit is blue in mine."

Me and Laura got changed when Alice magically pulled out two tube tops, two black beanie hats and an assortment of accessories from her bag.

"What are those for?" Laura asked.

"For me and Rose." Alice said casually while throwing the red tube top to Rosalie.

I laughed as Alice put on what me and Laura would call her "fashion face".  
You know the face she gets whenever she sees an opportunity to make someone look absolutely amazing and plans everything out in her head and she kind of dazes off a little, but not like when she has her visions. You can't bring her out of her visions. You could bring her out of her fashion-daze, but she'd probably kill you.  
Yet Alice never fools around when it comes to fashion. The big grey cloud that was Alice's fashion forwardness had a teeny silver lining and that was Jasper's ability to distract her.

'Oh my God. Seraphie what are you doing? You can't lose this, please. I'm begging you, if I fall into the clutches of Lauren I'll never be able to get out of them again. You didn't see what she had planned for me, what she wanted from me. Please don't lose this.' Edward's voice rang through my head.

I laughed at the broken sound of Edward's voice compared to how cocky he always seemed on the outside. Alice, Rosalie and Laura all gave me a queer look at the same time.

"Edward." I said and they all nodded in understanding, "He's scared that we are going to lose and he's going to fall into the clutches of Lauren Mallory. He was begging me not to lose."

Rosalie lost it, she laughed and laughed, the sound was like bells, and she managed to choke out two words.

"Edward begged?" Was all she was able to breathe out and then started laughing again.

'Thank you Seraphie. Remind me never to talk to you again.' Edward sounded maaad...

"He's not going to like what you're about to say." Alice warned me, I shrugged and said it anyway.

"Alice, tell Edward that I have a tap into his brain, everything that he keeps a secret I can find out, he won't be able to not talk to me. I'm superhuman."

Then a feral growl ripped through my head.  
It hurt like fuck.  
And so did me falling on the floor because of it.

"What the hell? Seraphie, you okay?" Laura said at the same time that Rosalie crouched down beside me. I looked around and realised that Alice wasn't here anymore.

"Yeah, just got a major headache. Edward thought it would be funny to growl and it ripped straight through my brain." Just then I tried to get up with Rosalie steadying me. I stepped gently onto my left ankle and winced.

My left ankle has always been weak, but ever since I fell down the stairs a year and a half ago I was always twisting it at the most inconvenient times. It was the reason that I ended up on the floor quite a lot.

"Sit down and I'll bandage it for you." Said a calm velvet voice from behind me, "It's the least I can do."

I turned slowly to see Edward and Alice standing side by side against the door. It was almost comical how different their postures were. Edward looked downtrodden and ashamed and Alice looked blissful and utterly triumphant.

My guess was that Alice had shouted at him. I went to voice this but Alice just nodded at me and grinned so I sat down on the bench next to Laura quietly.

Alice handed him a first aid kit from her bag and then I laughed. I would have guessed that she hadn't seen that she'd need it today, I was betting that she carried it around with her for Bella's sake.

"See if I bugger my ankle half way through the dance-off and we lose then you only have yourself to blame Edward." I said calmly, trying to distract myself from the fact that an Adonis was bandaging my ankle gently.

Edward gulped audibly and us girls burst out laughing.

* * *

Ten minutes and one bandaged ankle later Alice, Rosalie, Laura and myself were all standing beside the stereo system. Alice was wearing a blue tube top, black skinny jeans, black heels, black beanie hat and an assortment of jewellery. Rosalie was dressed the same apart from the fact that her tube top was red. Me and Laura were in our nearly-matching hip-hop outfits and Lauren and her gang of hussies were nowhere to be seen.  
Although it seemed like half of the school was here to watch the dance-off. I couldn't believe how fast news travelled around this school, and I also couldn't believe how they were all here, shouldn't they be in classes?

Laura looked horrified as her brown eyes roamed across the sea of faces all crowded round the small basketball court that we would be using as our stage. The bleachers were packed and there were still more people standing around, or sitting right next to the court.  
The weird thing was that they weren't split into groups or cliques as they would normally be in the cafeteria, or at one of the school's basketball matches or at anything that required them to be in the same room together. Maybe they were all united against the whores. I hoped that they were.

At that point the double doors to the gym were flung wide open and in marched the four bimbos of the century. I laughed as they strutted to the court, swinging their hips madly. I also realised that they had all changed... into exactly the same outfit.

Surprise, surprise, they looked like sluts.

Denim mini skirt, tight pink V-neck top, pink heels, and the same make up smothering their faces. The only difference that you could see in any of them was their hair colour. Lauren was light, fake, bimbo, barbie blonde. Tanya was deeper blond, but it looked like she washed her hair in custard. Jessica was brunette, slightly lighter than Bella's brown but streaked with blonde highlights. Victoria had naturally curly, vivid red hair which stuck out in every direction, no matter what she tried to do with it.

To be honest, they looked ridiculous.

They took their positions on one side of the court, the two bimbo blondes up front with Jess and Victoria behind and to the sides of them.

We walked over casually and I thought we were all going to stand in a line but Alice and Rosalie stepped backwards so we were in the same formation as our opposition.  
I looked back at Alice and grinned, she winked at me and I laughed.

"Are you ready to RRRRUMBLE!" We heard Emmett shout and the crowd around the court started cheering and clapping.

"Alright, settle down. I am Emmett Cullen, your official commentator and referee for this very unique event!" He hollered and everyone settled to hushed whispers, Emmett grinned and continued with his little speech.

I rolled my eyes at him, it was typical Emmett style to do something like this.

"Right, the first team of dancers I would like to present to you are Victoria! Jessica! And Tanya!" All of them waved to the crowd and posed when Emmett said their names, "And their team captain Lauren!" Some of the crowd cheered when Lauren waved and posed in their direction but I saw a few laughing.

At least that was encouraging.

"And now for the other team of dancers!" Emmett said with pride and gestured to us with a flourish.

The crowd were now frantically whispering to one another, looking at the four of us curiously.

"I would like to present to you Rosalie!"

Rose mimicked Lauren's posse by waving over dramatically and posing with her lips crazily pouted. The crowd laughed and cheered.

"Alice!" Emmett boomed.

Alice mocked the bimbos as well by waving with her hands above her head, crazily pouting her lips like Rosalie and then doing a perfect cartwheel. The crowd went crazy, it was amazing.

"Laura!"

Laura waved idiotically and then did a perfect Michael Jackson moonwalk in a circle around me. Me and Alice cracked up and Rose applauded her along with the crowd.

"And their team captain Seraphie!" Emmett shouted and gestured to me with hilarious Jazz Hands and I waved at the crowd while laughing. I then grabbed Emmett and span him round and dipped him. The crowd was ecstatic, laughing along with us.

Lauren and the other three didn't look amused in the slightest, and neither did the rest of cheerleaders who had gathered at opposite side of the court to the rest of the crowd.

Then I noticed that Edward, Bella, Jasper, Mike, Eric, Sam and Sarah were all standing at our side of the court, balancing out the cheerleaders on the other side.

Emmett went back to his position by the side of the court.

"The songs for this event are Disturbia by Rhianna, which will be started by Lauren's side, and then Comatose by Skillet, which will be started by Seraphie's side! Now without further ado let the battle commence!"

Emmett's ending statement was met with cheers and shouts from the crowd and the first 'dum, dum, de dum' of Disturbia was met with Lauren and Tanya strutting out to the middle of the court and the crowd going deathly quiet.

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in so long.  
I've been crazily busy with exams and stuff.  
But they are over now! So happy :D  
I hope you liked this chapter.  
Review pleasey!  
****BTW Please note that I DO NOT think that all blondes are bimbos, just Lauren and Tanya, please dont be offended if you are blonde.  
Its the dance-off chapter next!  
That's gonna be aweshum to write :D  
And if anyone has any suggestions for dance moves (for either side) then please tell me.  
All reviews will be rewarded with cookies :P**

**X Seraphie X**


	4. The Epic DanceOff :D

~*The Aubergine Of Despair*~

~Chapter Three~

*The Epic Dance-off*

*Two-Way Mental Communication is Utterly Aweshum*

Lauren and Tanya looked constipated.

That's the only way to describe the expressions on their faces.

Seriously.

They swaggered around the court as if they owned it and started gyrating their hips in a scarily awkward manner, thrusting and rubbing against one another every so often.

They were trying to gain support from sex appeal, not dancing.

And seriously... ewww.

A few of the geekier boys in the crowd started cheering and Lauren and Tanya threw their hands in the air and linked them together, going back to back and rubbing their plastic asses together.

This is why you shouldn't ever encourage people like them.

'Oh God that's disgusting...' Edward's voice flittered through my head and I burst out laughing and turned towards him.

He caught my eye and his serious almost-about-to-vomit expression disappeared and he laughed along with me.

The sluts eventually stopped rubbing on each other like dogs with worms and pulled a ridiculous pose with their arms around each other. They stalked back to their side of the court accompanied by the cheers of the horny-yet-never-get-any guys of Spazzy Academy.

"That was Lauren and Tanya, the starting dance of today. Now give it up for Seraphie and Laura!" Emmett shouted and the crowd started clapping.

I looked at Laura and she didn't look impressed, not even close and so I mouthed the dance move we were going to do at her and she nodded.

We Michael Jackson moonwalked out to the middle of the court and then span round clutching at our crotches, pulling hilarious faces as we did so.

Then we pulled out the 'Thriller' move, in complete synchronisation and I heard both Alice and Emmett laugh behind us.

And just when Alice had probably nearly died from laughing we decided to crank it up a notch by both of us throwing ourselves on the floor and doing "The Worm" back to where Alice and Rosalie were standing.

The crowd started cheering and yelling as we both got up and dusted ourselves down.

"That was aweshum!" I said, turning to Laura and giving her a high-five.

"Oh hells yeah!" Laura shouted back.

I turned to see Jessica and Victoria strutting to the middle of the court, both pouting crazily.

Jessica grabbed Victoria's hand and span her round, then they started popping their hips from side to side.

I hadn't actually realised that there was a dance move to specifically make you look like a pensioner with hip replacements, but Jessica and Victoria had it perfected.

I started laughing and then caught Lauren's eye from the other side of the court.

If looks could kill then I'd probably be being sat on by a walrus right now.

Yes, her evils were THAT pathetic.

I laughed harder and waved at her, which caused her to ball her hands up into fists and her face to go from pale to almost purple.

I turned my attention back to Jessica and Victoria, and they seemed to be trying to do some sort of dance... but what it was I couldn't figure out, they were just kinda flailing their limbs all over the place...

But DAYMN, was it hilarious!

"And thank you to Jess and Vicky for that very, uh, unique performance there! Now let's hear it for Rosalie and Alice!" Emmett boomed.

Alice started murmuring as they both stylishly strutted to the middle of the court.

I looked at Edward expectantly, raising one eyebrow.

He just laughed.

'One word, grinding.' Was what he thought.

Oh no way.

This was going to be amazing.

They started out by doing the shimmy and "throwing" it back and forth to each other and got progressively closer as they did so.

Then they were flush against each other shimmying together, and suddenly Alice turned round and Rosalie grabbed her hips.

"Let the grinding commence!" I laughed and looked over at Edward where he started laughing too.

I wondered for a minute... then tried something, not paying much attention to Alice and Rosalie grinding the hell out of each other.

'Edward?' I thought. His head snapped round and he looked straight at me, as if I had called his name out loud.

'What is it?' He thought tentatively. I just shook my head and laughed.

"Watch my lips." I said out loud and he nodded.

'Edward.' Was all I thought but as I looked at him his eyes widened in disbelief and through his concerned expression broke his amazing crooked smile.

'This is amazing. I can hear you, and you can hear me.' He thought.

'Yeah, but we only hear what the other wants us to hear... unless you haven't been thinking through the last three minutes.' I thought, teasing him a little.

'Funny Seraphie, funny,' He thought sarcastically, then continued with an amused expression on his face 'So, this is like... a two-way thing?'

'Apparently so.' I mentally laughed.

'This is so awesome!' Edward thought and mentally laughed too.

We were interrupted from our revelation when the music stopped and the crowd went wild.

My head snapped round to find Alice and Rosalie holding hands, grinning and waving at the screaming crowd as they walked back to me and Laura.

"Now, I would like to take this break between the songs to try and ascertain which team is winning!" Emmett roared and the crowd cheered back at him.

"So, would everyone in favour of Lauren's team please make as much noise as you can!"

The noise took me by surprise, they seriously sucked, but the racket that the crowd was making was close to deafening...

I looked over at Laura and her expression was closely following how confused I was, it was a 'what-the-hell?' kind of expression.

I looked at Alice and she just laughed and winked at me.

"And now would everyone in favour of Seraphie's team please make as much noise as you can!"

It was close, I couldn't tell which was louder, the crowd seemed to be yelling for the hell of it.

I looked around me, but the smirks that the vampires on our side were wearing told me that our cheer was louder.

"Right, ladies and gentlemen, please quiet down. Welcome to the court, from the currently winning side, Laura and team captain Seraphie!"

I laughed with Laura as we walked out onto the court, shaking our asses hilariously in celebration, making Rose and Alice crack up.

'Stop looking at my ass Cullen.' I thought and mentally laughed.

'Caught me.' He mentally laughed back.

I just shook my head in mock disappointment and then took my place, standing beside Laura.

As "Comatose" came blasting through the speakers and as Laura and I started our synchronized air-violin, Lauren's face dropped.

Of course, it just got even more hilarious as the classical introduction warped into the rock music typical of Skillet.

As the rock beat got more pronounced me and Laura dropped to the floor on our stomachs and began coming back up again jerkily, popping our joints but leaving our limbs and heads lolling about, portraying zombies.

Once we were on our feet we froze in our "zombie" positions for a few beats, just enough time for the crowd to get a little 'what's-happened?' and then BAM!

Me and Laura broke out into our amazing mosh-stylee "Saturday Night Fever" disco dancing.

This included a lot of head-banging, finger-pointing and feet-shuffling.

The crowd went mental as we disco danced off the court, making room for the skanks to try and top our dance that we had just fucking aced (not bragging or anything, but we were aweshum!)

They were going to try, you could see the determination on Lauren's face... either that or she just really needed to pee...

She hurriedly mouthed something to the rest of her posse and then strutted out onto the court, but with the other three following her.

There were murmurs in the crowd, this had been two on two the whole through, and Lauren was changing the rules now?

'Seraphie, get Alice to tell you her idea, she knows it'll work, and you'll be sure to win if you pull it off. The move the whores are pulling is pretty risqué, so it'll get the crowd's attention for sure. You can't let Lauren win this.' Edward thought, projecting it into my head.

I turned to Alice as soon as I had got Edward's message.

"Alice, the move your thinking of right now, we have to do it. Lauren's going to try and pull off a crowd pleaser to get more support on her side. We cannot let them win." I said while looking straight at her. I watched as the determination hardened in her topaz eyes and she nodded.

She hurried through what she had seen in her head, making sure that me and Laura got it all after every three sentences or so.

'Seraphie, you might want to be watching this, it's make or break for your opposition.' Edward thought, his velvety voice sifting through my mind just as Alice finished her explanation of the routine we had to try and pull off.

"That's everything. Now I will be following Seraphie's lead and Rosalie will be following Laura's, so it doesn't matter if we mess it up. We will mess it up in style and synchronization!" Alice said and the other three of us nodded.

"Edward says to watch Lauren now, apparently she's going to try the stunt she wanted..." I said warily and turned to face the skanks again.

We watched on as they pulled out a mosh-stylee cheerleading routine, and then half way through it Lauren and Tanya did cartwheels off the sides. Lauren stopped a few yards in front of Jessica and Tanya stopped a few yards in front of Victoria.

I knew what was happening.

And although Lauren and Tanya claimed to be the strongest in the team, there was a high possibility that this trick would fall flat on its face.

And so would they if they fucked it up.

'Edward.' I thought frantically, 'Get Emmett and Jasper on standby to catch them. There's a high possibility that they'll muck it up and we don't really need cheerleaders with missing teeth.'

He just nodded and whispered to Emmett and Jasper, who laughed but nodded.

Here it came...

Jess and Vicky took their run, jumped and...

Landed?!?

They were securely on the shoulders of the other girls!

The crowd was stunned into silence as the girls got down again and sauntered back over to their side of the court.

Then the crowd erupted.

I was almost deafened and was totally convinced that we had to have lost this.

But just then Alice and Rosalie stormed out onto the court, and that was our cue.

I had no time to think before I was out on the court, and this would decide whether we would keep Edward or not...

'Seraphie, Alice can't see if you're going to win or not anymore, the shock of the stunt messed her vision, you have to try. Please.'

And I clung to the velvety plea of Edward as I got into my position.

We had to do this.

We were going to do this.

I nodded to Laura and we were away.

I kept my mind focused on the dance that Alice had rushed through, praying that it would all go to plan.

Spin, shuffle, high-kick, left, right, left, spin, jump, back-flip, spin, front-flip, cartwheel.

All done with amazing precision, and I felt on top of the world.

Now, the spin, flip, kick-off, flip and roll...

Woah.

So, I grabbed Alice's hands and we span for two beats, then as we stopped Alice launched herself over my head, still holding onto my hands.

All the while Rosalie and Laura had been copying us and so Rose's and Alice's feet met in the middle and they quickly pushed off each other, back onto their own feet.

It was an utterly incredible move, and they were only able to pull it off because of precise vampire logicy-stuff... just, wow.

Me and Laura jumped as soon as they were on their feet again and they launched us over their heads, this time letting go of our hands.

We landed for a second onto our hands as we tucked up into a ball and rolled to opposite edges of the court where we stood up.

The crowd was deathly silent, but our routine hadn't stopped there.

Me and Laura did a back-flip and then a round-off so that we got back to the middle of the court facing each other, then Alice and Rosalie cartwheeled into position beside us.

Alice and I were first and we shimmied, shuffled and then span.

Rosalie and Laura mimicked our actions, and we continued for a few turns like this, making it like a mini-dance off within our group.

Then Laura and Rosalie began doing our routines a few seconds after we had started them, then about one second after and then shortened the time until we were all doing the same routine.

We finished with a pose, what it looked like I had no idea, all I knew was that I had to do a handstand and curl one of my legs in, hold it for three seconds... and get back up.

All four of us righted ourselves at the same time, me and Laura cheezily saluting the crowd and Alice and Rosalie blowing kisses.

The crowd that had been deathly silent the whole way through now got up and started cheering, clapping and stamping their feet.

I was very worried about the old bleachers beneath them collapsing, but I only had it in me to laugh.

I was overjoyed that we had pulled it off.

Lauren looked furious and instead of trying to retaliate with the dancing, she stormed over to our side of the court looking ready to rip my head off.

Before she could get there though Alice said to me one word.

"Flip-fall."

I knew exactly what she meant, but I had never got it truly right before, and fucking it up wasn't really an option right now.

'You'd better know what you're doing.' Edward said in my head.

I took a few steps back and started running towards Alice before I answered him.

'Not a fucking clue.' I mentally laughed.

Alice then caught one of my feet and launched me up and backwards.

I soared into the air, scared utterly shitless but on an adrenaline rush so forceful that I didn't care.

I had never been launched this high before, but then again I had never been launched by a vampire either...

I blocked out everything but myself, flipping through the air.

'Land it, land it, land it...' Was all I could think and as the ground came nearer I closed my eyes and guided my legs into position.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, the blood pounding through my head.

Spreading my hands and praying I wouldn't break my leg (seeing as I did last time I had tried this) I felt the ground come into contact with my feet.

In one fluid motion I landed, and not feeling any pain I opened my eyes.

I had done it, I had fucking done it!

Sheer freaking fluke but I'd landed it!

I also realised that I had landed a foot or two behind Lauren, who had now turned round and was staring at me in disbelief.

Oh wow, that was aweshum!

I stood up, dusted myself down and stared Lauren straight in the eye.

All of this could be summed up in two words.

I cleared my throat and looked her in the eye.

"Fucking pwned." I said and smirked smugly at her.

The vampires in the room started laughing, obviously being able to hear what I had said.

Lauren turned from pale, to red, to purple, to red and then to pale again.

She made an exasperated noise, which was half grunt/half shriek, shoved past me and then ran out of the hall, her posse following closely behind her.

"And the winners of the dance off are... Rosalie! Alice! Laura! And team captain Seraphie!" Emmett boomed and gestured hilariously at us as we all threw off our beanie hats and bowed to the crowd amid the mass screaming and clapping.

I was beaming, we were all beaming.

Edward was stuh-hunning with his trademark beautiful lopsided grin...

'Well that was amazing and a half, even if you did give me a heart attack when you pulled that stunt at the end.' Edward thought and laughed out loud.

'You were worried? My, my does Edward Cullen actually care about me?" I mentally laughed, taunting him.

'Uh, well, I, uh...' Edward stuttered mentally.

'Wow, your coherency levels seem to be in tip top shape today Mr Cullen.' I thought sarcastically.

'Oh shut up.' Edward thought and stuck his tongue out at me.

'And your maturity levels seem to be quite high today too. You're on a roll!' I mentally laughed.

He sighed and rolled his eyes at me.

I laughed.

"Who wants to celebrate?!?" Emmett boomed.

"Hell yeahs!" Me, Laura, Alice and Rose shouted together, looked at each other and then laughed at the weirdness of that moment, like psychic-ness.

"Come on then!" Emmett shouted and ran out of the doors.

Laughing and stumbling (well Me, Laura and Bella stumbling) we ran after Emmett.

* * *

**A/N: Sooooo, whadda ya think?  
In all honesty I think it was rather foshizzlin haha  
Even if it did take me aaaaages to write it  
Yeah, sorry about that, I got really stuck with the dance moves, but I got there in the end :D  
Hopefully you lot liked it...  
I think it's going to be either the English Class chapter next, or the Magic chapter next.  
Review and please tell me which one you want next, kaysies?**

**X Seraphie X**


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